Right testicle unremarkable. It said it right there on the report. We looked at each other and about the same time said "Then, I guess the left one IS remarkable" and laughed. We had to laugh. We either laughed or lost it. To be honest with you, I always have thought the balls were pretty unremarkable. I know the mechanics are amazing, but really they just hang there and they are such sensitive wussies, bringing double over pain with the slightest graze. At this point, I kinda wanted to hate his balls, but, I cannot lie, they helped bring the best things that I have ever done into this world, so I owed them something. We agreed to just hate the left one.
We had just received the news that L had testicular cancer. We also received the news that he got the "good" cancer, the one that is 98% survivable, though our primary is nice enough to say, but of course you don't want any cancer because cancer sucks. This all happened so fast, Lenny going to the doctor since something seemed a bit off, getting a sonogram. Getting the phone call that I am positive contained much more information than what I got of "It's not good" and he wants to see us tomorrow. Another aspect of my husband's protective nature of not giving me the news he just got since he knew waiting is not my thing. So, we spent the next evening with him doing his endless research and reporting back to me and me trying to gauge how he was feeling and trying not to fall apart when he hands me a checklist of questions to ask your doctor when you have testicular cancer.
Holy fucking shit CANCER. That is a scary ass word. While we have been blessed that it hasn't happened to immediate blood relation family on any side of mine, and only L's dad on his, and my FIL is a tough bastard and keeps beating his. We haven't really had to think about it, thank God. Yet, here it was slapping us in the face. When we said our vows, I assumed, I believe like most couples, that we were in this for the long haul. I'm not going to lie, after a particular day when I had been driven crazy, I might have thought the fleeting thought of WTF was I thinking when I married you. I think all couples have and if they haven't, then they aren't being honest!!, but I never thought he wouldn't be here so when this first hit us, it was a shell shock. I had the initial selfish reaction of I can't be a widow, what will I do, I can't even tie a tie and how am I supposed to talk about masturbation!!?? and all the other boy stuff then it hit me of what Lenny had to lose. I can't imagine for one second thinking that I'm not going to be there for prom night, graduation, college campus visits, to veto girls that are brought home. Lenny is not real big on talking emotions, so I was unsure on how he was feeling, so I just asked. I wonder if his reaction was sometimes more for me than him. His love language is making sure I'm prepared in any emergency and if this is not a mother fucking emergency, I don't know what is.
He is okay. We are okay. We are staying very positive. This cancer really is the most survivable cancer there is, so this is a good thing. Even if it does spread all over, the survival rate is still 75%. This is a good thing. Plus, there is so much we don't know. We won't know for at least a couple of weeks and as it is when I think about this, I want to vomit and I can't feel like I want to vomit every day for a couple of weeks, unless I guess I go out and buy those pregnancy pops!!
We will get the biopsy and we will get a plan of action and we will go from there. The last couple of years have been very stressful, especially with the termite house, but we are treating this like any other thing we have to overcome and we will overcome it because that's just what we do.
I have guilt over the phone calls. I made a few of them, to friends that I know are close by and I might need help picking up the kids or watching the kids. My mom, so far, and I'm sure in the future, is my rock and has been there, but her commute to my house is an hour plus, so I don't feel right asking her to be here every day. So, I want to thank in advance, SM and TG and SB for volunteering to help out with the boys. Let me tell you why I didn't make the calls. Many of you are my very good friends and family that I know would be there for me that mean the world to me, that I love very much. Let me explain. I've had to do this in my head. It's my family on one side, and Cancer on the other. I've built up this brick wall between us to keep my sanity, my emotions in check, and to be strong for my boys. Each time I make the call, cancer takes a sledgehammer to the wall. I can hear it in the voices, no fault of anyone, people react exactly as I would if someone called me up and said this, it's shocking. Each time I have to explain things, it hits the wall again, each time I have to stay strong and positive to keep my friends from worrying, it hits the wall again. Each time I have to fight not to lose it, it hits the wall again. Then, I am off the call and am spending the mental energy to build it back up. I couldn't keep doing it. I know my friends would not care if I lost it, I know they would hold me if I cried. But, I can't lose it. I won't . I have a husband that I need to be strong for and children I need to be strong for. More importantly, myself. I will stay positive. At this point, there is NO reason not to. So, that is why I didn't call everyone. I hope you can understand and don't get your feelings hurt.
I'm scared shitless. Lenny said he is not really scared, more like anxious and apprehensive. He has to lose a nut. He's had it there forever. I feel bad that he has to go through that, it must be truly a weird thing. If I talk to you, I might not want to talk about this. I might want to have normal conversations about anything but this. Don't feel like you have to say anything at all. This is a weird thing being on this side of things. The "my husband has cancer" side. I have not had a close friend have this, so I haven't had to figure out how to react, but please don't think you need to do anything. Just answer my call if I call and talk to me about anything and everything other than this.
We are hoping and praying for Stage 1. That I can say my husband no longer has a remarkable left nut, just an unremarkable right nut, and that it stays unremarkable forever. That my husband had cancer, but is in remission. That cancer was just one more thing the James Clan took on and came out victorious.
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